I am feeling anxious today. I can’t sleep. I have a presentation – that I haven’t prepared slides for – in 7 hours time.
I am from rewatching my second hike video, twice – when I made a decision to be a hiker. It me teary. Filled with lots of thoughts, hope beautiful memories and made me laugh at the end.
Seeing myself reminds me of what was going through my mind at that moment. How happy I was and how many ideas were running through my head. How in love I was with this particular man. It made me feel. That there were so many uncaptured stories in the Gicheru mines hike blog I previously wrote.
At the end, it made me have an attitude of “I can do it no matter what”.
After that, came for trek then a hike then I disappeared. I was to go for a trek which I missed because of an emergency. I didn’t regret it though. It was also a weekend of talking my worries and thoughts and feelings out to a safe person. Good therapy.
I deliberately missed the Zippling Kereita one because I did not want to meet people. That week, I had had a lot of interaction than I wanted so I wanted to disappear from human beings and spend time with alone and just do nothing. Something like a on-a-budget vacation.
The write-up I had was not nasty and did not match my uneventful experience in the third hike. I never wrote since then. It’s been nearly three weeks of not practicing my other mental health protection system : Writing. Writing had made me sane in ways I can’t explain. Writing has made me alive.
As someone who spends her life alone and quiet and you know out of reach, writing makes me feel I have a partner I can talk my thoughts out to. I also overworked myself increasingly just to make things worse.
Realizing that I was running into work and using it as a escape route to deal with the real issue. .. Made me even feel guilty and bad about taking care of myself. I realised I was sliding back
I remember when I was budgeting sometime back and told my friend of how I worry that I can’t afford hiking every single weekend and she said, “You love so far, it helps you.” Since I don’t go to Church to sing (because I go to church to sing and nothing else – another way to deal with my mental health), it’s good to invest in my own health. After all what else is more important to use that 500 on if not my well-being?
That’s when I started booking monthly for all events except June. June I moved from home- explaining the recent workaholism. I want so bad to get the first batch of results before June ends. I have no idea why. It made it harder for me to get affordable transport since the hikers Afrique guy who would pick me is now not in my route. Too many excuses though.
I want to go to this Rurimeria thing even if everyone even the hikers who have been supportive now seem to be skeptical. I hear it’s bad news that’s why it’s not a hike but a hike challenge. Funny story, there is very less fear in me. I don’t have those questions I used to ask myself before a hike because I really want myself back. I want to be happy again. I want to feel energetic again. I want to stop being anxious and randomly emotional and I know a hike in Nature can do that for me.
One missing piece is the raincoat head part that got lost. I am not having another Gicheru mines storm.
Mmh! Nice Monologue. Goodnight 😊
Image Credits : Hikersafrique.com
A scientist who writes about her daily experiences. Most are drafts but some are publicly shared, like this one you just read.